Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
