I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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