Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
