Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
