i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
