i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
