I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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