She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
