I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
