at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
