We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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