Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
