I think my vagina is haunted
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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