o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
