Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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