drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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