he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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