just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
