I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
