ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
