this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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