you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
