Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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