I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
