Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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