Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
