I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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