i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
