Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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