I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
