I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
