apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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