i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize