I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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