I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
