I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize