mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
