He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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