Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
