Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
