My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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