if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
