you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize