And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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