The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
