She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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