That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
