Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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