Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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