you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
