mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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