I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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