Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
