tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize