My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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