May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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