Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize