The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
