I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
