I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
