I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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