Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
