John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
