new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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