Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
