Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
